There is a famous proverb that says, "The grass is
always greener on the other side of the fence". On the
one hand, this saying reflects the human tendency to see
things from a very limited perspective, and to imagine
that others have a much better life than we do. It also
points to the nagging sense that something is indeed
missing in our lives, and the desire to have more; in
particular, what others possess.
Jealousy, also known as the "green-eyed monster", is an
emotion that has been the scourge of mankind from time
immemorial. Along with its emotional twin, envy, it can
wreak havoc in our personal and professional lives,
making us feel unhappy and miserable about who we are
and what we have. Furthermore, it can also cause
feelings of outrage and fury, leading to impulsive
behavior and out-of-control reactions to situations,
which we all probably come to regret sooner or later.
Indeed, how many tragic crimes have we read about, that
have been committed needlessly in the name of love, but
ultimately were related to feelings of jealousy?
Jealousy is an emotional experience that appears to be
as old as civilization itself. In the Bible, we read
about the untimely death of Abel at the murderous hands
of his brother Cain, due to his jealous rage over
feelings that Abel was God's favored child. In Greek
mythology, Hera, the jealous wife of the god Zeus,
frequently takes revenge upon women whom she fears are
rivals for her husband's affections. Similarly, in
Shakespeare's Othello, the title character suffers
emotionally from jealousy, preoccupied with the thought
of losing his beloved Desdemona to another suitor.
In these economically uncertain times, it is very easy
to find oneself caught in a never-ending cycle of of
frustration and bitterness about one's life
circumstances, along with resentment, jealousy and envy
over what others have- or at least our perception of the
superior quality of their lives. So how can we get
beyond the temptation to enter this negative mindset,
and to regain our sense of composure and joy in our
life? How do we avoid falling into the "jealousy trap",
and not let it diminish our sense of pleasure and
delight in all that we do possess and have accomplished
in our lives?
The question remains as to how and why jealousy
maintains such a powerful grip on our mind and emotions?
Is it somehow a built-in survival mechanism of sorts in
or collective psyche, or is it the result of our
acculturation process over the centuries? Indeed, the
very fact that so many societal and religious taboos
surround the act of jealousy points to its ever present
lingerings in our soul. But why should this be so?
As we ponder the nature of physical reality, it becomes
evident that biological survival is predicated on the
presence of "boundaries". From the single-celled amoeba
to the ever-complex human structure, living creatures
maintain their sense of integrity by the presence of
protective walls. On the micro level, cells have their
membrane or 'cell wall' structure, just as on the macro
level, animals and humans have skin. Even fruits have
skin and trees have bark as a form of protection from
the outside.
In a similar vein, the human brain is geared for
survival, by the presence of an emotional " warning
system" that protects us from the incursion of predators
that may be a potential threat to us. Our emotional life
can thus be viewed as Nature's way of letting us know if
we are safe or endangered by our current surroundings.
Thus, jealousy may be way to alert us of a potential
threat to our survival, by arousing in us a need to
protect that which we perceive as essential to our
survival, whether physical or emotional in nature. For
example, imagine being at a party, and a man approaches
your wife and starts to flirt with her. Your jealous
emotional reaction can be seen as an early warning
system of a potential threat to your marital harmony,
arousing in you fears of loss and the need to defend and
protect your family system from an outside intruder.
Psychologically speaking, there are apparent gender
differences in the experience of jealousy. Females are
more likely that males to admit to feelings of jealousy,
while males are more likely to deny them. Furthermore,
females are more prone to attempt to arouse jealousy in
their partners. By doing so, they are likely to receive
more attention from their partner, and thus feel better
about themselves. Finally, men in general are more
likely to react with anger and violence in response to
feelings of jealousy, as well as to pursue relationships
with other women as a result.
People tend to differ in terms of their proclivity to
feelings of jealousy and envy. People who are
dissatisfied with their lot in life, or who feel that
they have failed to accomplish what they have set out to
do are more likely to be jealous . Furthermore, people
who place high value on characteristics such as wealth,
fame and attractiveness will be more prone to feelings
of envy. Finally, people suffering from feelings of low
self esteem and inadequacy are more likely to feel
insecure and jealous of their partner's relationships
with others, regardless of how harmless such
relationships may be in nature. Indeed, such partners
tend to be highly clingy and controlling of their
partner, fearing that they will lose them. Ironically,
though, such behavior may actually cause friction
between the partners, and lead to the very negative
consequences that the partner is trying to avoid (the
loss of the relationship).
Getting a handle on feelings of jealousy and envy
requires the awareness and recognition of the nature of
our feelings and the willingness to explore what
specific situations trigger them. Additionally, we need
to become aware of the thought process underlying our
feelings as well. For, beyond any negative feelings that
we may have, lies a negative thought about our
experience as well. Such dysfunctional , illogical
thoughts may include the following :
-
My
wife is enjoying the other man more than she enjoys
being with me
-
She
must be finding him more attractive/sexy/witty
than me.
-
My
wife should not find anyone else attractive other
than me.
Such internal self-statements could easily provoke
feelings of anxiety, insecurity and jealousy in any one
of us. If we find ourselves doing this, we must
instantly dismantle and eliminate theses thoughts by
challenging them and uprooting them from our minds.
Furthermore, by additionally communicating our fears and
insecurities to our partners, we may be able to get the
emotional reassurance we need, and thus resolve our
fears. Finally, working to improve our self-image can
also help us feel more confident and secure in our
relationships with others.
As we develop a sense of security about who we are, and
our true self-worth, we begin to think less about others
and what they have. It is therefore extremely important
to think about all of our positive qualities and to
appreciate the gifts that we have been given. By
developing a healthy, appreciative attitude about all
that we do have, and seeing the real blessing in it, can
help us to stay focused , calm and content, even as we
aspire to accomplish more and change the course of our
lives.
Blessings of joy, grace, and serenity on your journey
toward self-fulfillment.
Bennett Flaum, Psy.D.
Mitchell Flaum, Ph.D.